a little sad.

It's starting again, isn't it?  That time of year that comes around at the end of each summer where you feel like you're heart is just being pulled and tugged in all directions.  Every time school starts, people always say to me, "you must be so happy that you won't have to be with your boys all day long!"  Let's just clear this up now.  I'm not happy.  I'm grateful that they will be learning and that they will have social interactions that I feel are so important for them and that they are growing into such amazing little men.  But  I'm not happy for them to be away from me.  Here's the problem.  I really really like my kids.  I know I love my children but I really really like them too.  I want to hang out with them, and cook with them, and paint with them, and swim with them, and read with them.  OF COURSE they sometimes drive me crazy and we need to be in our separate rooms, but even with those days I'd rather be with my children (and my hot husband) more than anyone else.  That's why Monday, the day that most of my children start school, is heart wrenching for me.

I will miss Zachary, who is starting his second year of preschool.  He is going three days a week this time instead of only two.  I'm already looking forward to our alone time together on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I will miss Noah who will be starting his first day of kindergarten next Wednesday.  It's only a half day, but to me kindergarten has been the hardest to watch my children start.  I have yet to not get teary eyed just thinking about it.  If you see me crying next week, the beginning of his school career will be the reason why.  Please don't make fun of me.  And, have I mentioned that Noah learned how to read this summer?  He's ready to go...but his mother is not.

I will miss Adam, who has recently developed his first crush.  (Her name is Hannah.  She is adorable.  My son has very good taste.)  Everyday I will send him off to fourth grade where he will grow even older and more handsome and more mature.  This kid will be a heart breaker; I can attest to this based on first hand experience.

Oh, Jared.  I will miss him and worry about him and cry over him and pray constantly for him.  It isn't that I'm not praying for my other boys, but this one just has that special place in my heart.  He won't see his brother as much this year and the social aspect of life is so excruciatingly difficult for him.  I know that public school, especially for him, is the right choice and that he has social workers and teachers and therapists ready for him, but my throat closes up and my heart hurts whenever I think about Monday.

I am so much more than lucky to have these boys.  Blessed beyond measure is more like it.

I know that everything will work out.  I know it.  I know all about them needing to learn and grow and get life experiences so that someday they can leave and serve missions and start families of their own.  Other moms tell me all the time that it's better to have them out of the house and that I don't need to be sad.  They tell me I don't need to worry because these boys of mine are doing exactly what they were meant to do.  I know all about this.  I am well aware that someday I need to let them go.  But, that day is not today.  Monday isn't even that day, even though it will be just a few steps closer.  So, I will allow my heart to hurt and for my eyes to well up every now and again.  I know it will be ok...but sometimes, when I think about them growing up those strings on my heart just feel like they're ready to snap.  Oh, summer.  Why can't you just stay a little bit longer?

1 comment:

The Brock Family said...

Oh I love you friend! You amaze me, inspire me and I truly look up to you! I am NOT ok with Adam having a new crush though....he needs to marry Paige! Miss you friend!!!